A letter from Roberto.

Generally, I avoid opening the approximately 10,000 "spam" e-mails per day that are sent to my work address. It would take a lot of time, it's apparently unsafe, and the spam filter does a pretty decent job. But when there's a lull during the day, and I'm feeling especially reckless, I dip into the junk mail folder and read for a while. It's sort of entertaining.

Yesterday, while ignoring deadline, I noticed one from a sender named Roberto. He wanted to know if I was interested in becoming his "conjugal partner." If I was — and he stressed I should really think it over and make sure I knew what I was committing to — he wanted me to reply. Roberto, who claimed to live in France, wrote his message first in English, and it was translated into Hungarian below. He requested replies be written in English though, because he doesn't really speak any Hungarian.

At the bottom was a URL for what turned out to be his personal website, where he published a lengthy, rambling explanation on the topic of romance. Here's an excerpt:

Women should be kissed and consumed from head to feet, & sexuality should always be an art, reviewed and rediscovered in permanence to entertain our passion. Your feet are also very sensitive, one of the most sensitive parts of your body, nervously connected to your whole organs & involving great feelings of relaxation, & attention to them can indirectly prevent some diseases. By kissing and adoring them and feel excited by the erogenic part of your feet, i can transmit with my aura, my most intimate affection and deepest love to your spirit through those slight kisses, caresses or intense & tender chomps.

Also:

I wouldn't want you to have a dirty job for reasons of financial obsessions. If we got along together, i wouldn't ever want it for my woman .. . I wanted to find my future bride abroad because women of western europe are too materialist, superficial, infantile idealists and conformist in general.

At one point he explains his predicament. He is 27 and he spent much of the past decade consumed with his first love, music composition. He has failed miserably, supposedly, at composing movie soundtracks. During this time, he also sank into a dark depression and lost all hope in a higher being. There just wasn't room for romance. But now he is in desperate need of a "second half."

He ends with this:

I send you warm kisses to your lovely hands, chest, navel, lil nose, ears, forehead, & to your candid & lovely soles,

XxXxXxX

Roberto

This is, without question, the best piece of junk mail I've ever received. I won't write his web address here, but let me know if you're very serious about having sex with this man. Here's a decoratively-framed photo of Roberto.